Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have a 15-year-old daughter who doesn't care about high school. She has had an ongoing problem with late work since middle school. She just has no interest at all! Last year, we ended up grounding her for over half of the school year: from phone, computer and to her room with no music. This gets us some progress, as she'll perk up, get caught up, but then cycle right back to being 4 weeks behind!
In the end, she has been barely above failing for all of 9th grade. I am doing more to track her homework with her teachers than she is (I've also tried the no-hands approach, but she failed the 2nd trimester of English).
I need a new approach, a guide to helping her be successful, because she doesn't want it. Help me get something in place to start out 10th grade.
Signed,
Motivational Mother
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Credit: Robert Course-Baker.
Dear Motivational Mother,
First, let me commend you on being an advocate for your kid. Without a concerned parent, the potential for a kid's success in school (and beyond) is greatly diminished, so make sure you're giving yourself some credit for being a good mom. If my Motherly Spidey Senses (ugh, sorry, I have boys) are right, you're probably wasting a lot of time and energy beating yourself up for failing somehow. And that's not only destructive, but prevents you from better addressing the issue at hand.
As for your daughter: There are any number of methods you could come up with in an attempt to motivate your teenager, but the trick is finding the right one so that it gets to the root of the problem. So that's probably where you should start: What is the root of her lack of motivation? Here are some possibilities just off the top of my head. Feel free to add to the list.
1. Case of the Mondays
2. Teenager Syndrome
3. Lazy Bones and Cell Phones
4. Desire For Social Acceptance, AKA, The Breakfast Club Phenomenon
5. Unhealthy Role Models, AKA, The Miley Cyrus Phenomenon
6. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME JUST LEAVE ME ALONE GOD I HATE YOU YOU'RE THE WORST MOTHER EVAAAAAARRRRRR
*slammed door*
Keep in mind, though, that these can be superficial symptoms that point to a bigger issue. So before you come up with a Plan B, since punishing and monitoring aren't working well, I wonder if you might try to explore if there's something personal she's struggling with. A student with a lack of desire to succeed or unreasonable fixation on social acceptance can sometimes be suffering from low self-esteem. Furthermore, a medical issue such as ADHD or even vision problems could be creating an obstacle. I'd consider having your daughter talk with a therapist, doctor, or trusted family friend. You can even try to get her to talk to you, with the right approach. Rather than, LET'S GET YOU TO STOP BEING SUCH A LET-DOWN, try something along the lines of, I want to help you, I love you very much, and I understand your pain and frustration, because SURPRISE, I was once a teenager, too. You may be doing this already, but it can be easy to lose patience in this type of situation, so keep this mantra in your back pocket. Next to your flask.
In the end, the most important thing is not that she gets straight As, but that she tries, that she cares about herself and her future, and that she understands and feels your love for her. Keep that in perspective and remember that this, too, shall pass. (Along with your daughter on her English exams. Hopefully.)
Good luck,
Kristine, TMH
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